Like many of my friends and clients, I can be quick to blame myself when one of my children is struggling with something...anything.  As the mother of four with 18 years experience on the job,  and as well as a long history as a parent parent coach and ing career and educator, I should know better.  Nevertheless, I would still drive myself absolutely batty if I were to give in to this feeling.

Instead, I think back to one of my favorite stories from my beloved career as a pre-school teacher. It was early in the school year and little Jack had not had one of his best days. He was withdrawn, preferring to play by himself instead of with his friends, didn't want to sit for snack, and just wasn't his usual happy self. When his mom came to pick him up I mentioned Jack's off day to her, and she really impressed me with her incredible ability to creatively blame herself in record time. She explained that she had just gone back to school, her husband was out of town on business, and she had recently hired a new baby sitter. Obviously this was all too much for little Jack and she was going to ask her husband to come home and seriously reconsider the Master's Program in which she was enrolled.

As we spoke I felt Jack pulling on my pant leg. I bent down and when we made eye contact he very bravely told me that nothing was wrong, he just had to poop and his poop wouldn't come out! He was afraid of having an accident so he wanted to be by himself.

His mom held him in her arms with all the love in the world, and we continued to chat about the changes she was considering making. All of a sudden Jack turned his head and looked at me with a face that said nothing less than "all grown-ups are crazy," and he repeated again, "No, I told you, I just have to poop."

The next day he returned to school in his typical good mood, looking for friends to play with at the Little Tykes Building Table. His stomach had recovered, and he was happy to be able to play with his friends again.

His poor Mom was still considering whether or not she should pursue her Masters, ask her husband to cut his business trip short, or if there was something else that she should be doing to help Jack. I related with her completely, of course.

However, after 18 years of parenting, and five years working as a parent coach and educator, I am convinced that sometimes problems really are as they seem. As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to cope with these minor trials and tribulations in life without being thrown by them. This requires the ability to identify what is really going on, and to come up with a reasonable solution to situations that arise. This also requires that we trust our children to know what is going on in their lives. In this case, Jack was right, he just had to poop.  Sometimes it is that simple and our children really do understand their own needs.

When we question our whole world and all plans because of a challenge our child is facing, our children learn this same behavior. They learn anxiety and angst. Instead, we are better off letting our children watch us face minor problems with confidence and dignity, developing the coping strategies necessary to resolve challenges that come up responsibly and independently.

Wishing you all the best,

Elizabeth Pflaum